lovenoob's Datingish

Damaged Goods

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 20:24:44 GMT

It's funny how once your heart breaks, all the break up songs make sense.

Yesterday one of my good friends called me with news from my ex. She had bumped into him and asked him how he was holding up. Hoping he would express some sense of hurt even remotely close to mine, I broke down when she told me he was "doing pretty good actually." So while I knew he wasn't feeling as terrible as I have been feeling and crying for the past week, I really didn't think he'd be better off without me. After I got off the phone with my friend, I just completely crashed.

Tears slithered down my cheeks as I repressed screams of anguish and frustration. I ripped up our pictures gripping at the fading memories and furiously throwing them away. At that moment, I was done. Done with all the bullshit. I didn't want to wait for him to end this break anymore. I was going to do it because in the end the only person that will be in regret is him not me. Since I was almost late to class, I quickly gathered composure, put on my mascara, brushed my hair and left.

That afternoon Lisa See bestselling author of Peony in Love and Snowflower and the Secret Fan came and talked to us about her novel. Though I only skimmed her novel, I was mesmerized by her take on love and relationships. She told us that love was just an emotion and like all emotions it comes back every now and then. She also talked about first loves. My ex-boyfriend was my first love. He was my everything... as cheesy as that may sound. She said that with first loves, that feeling only comes once. It never repeats itself. That feeling of helpless infatuation and passionate emotions--it only comes once. As you get older, love becomes more sophisticated.

Instead of being so angry with him, I realized that the time we had together was beautiful and innocent love. It was both our first relationships and I guess now is the time for us to move on. I personally didn't know it was time but I'm guessing this week has been such a wake-up call. I know it will be awhile until I am completely over him but the first step is accepting that what we had is no longer here. There is no point in hating him, in hating what he did to me, or even in hating that I still love him. I do still love him and I probably will always love in a very special way. He has taught me a lot about myself and has been there for me throughout the toughest times of my life.

We have both always believed in fate so if we were really meant to be, we will somehow get together in the future again. It's not necessarily what I'm aiming for though. I really think it's time for me to move on and grow up. I'm breaking up with him tomorrow.

P.S. Britney's new CD is PHENOMENAL!

Heartbreak Hotel

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 09:36:35 GMT

I first started this blog, I wanted to use it as an avenue to talk about how fantastic I thought relationships were and how truly happy I was with my boyfriend. I wanted to write about how perfect our relationship was, how lucky I was, and why I felt so complete. Well, it's been about a month now and my life has leaped from overwhelming happiness to dull pain.

A week ago, my boyfriend or rather ex-boyfriend now told me that he was too committed to me and wasn't ready to be so committed. He felt like he was losing himself and he was just incapable of giving me the same amount of love that I gave him. Spending an hour and a half outside the library, in the cold, crying, I tried understanding where he was coming from. After much deliberation, I suggested we take a break instead of just breaking up. Almost immediately he said, "Oh a break, yeah I'll try that." He told me that he was thankful for everything I've done for him and everything I've given him. He told me that he loved me but he just needed to patch things up with himself. I knew then that we would never really get back together. I really couldn't believe it was happening at the time and I still can't believe it. We were the perfect couple I thought. We understood each other, were each other's best friends. We never fought because we always worked it out. I just didn't understand.

It's been a week now and I'm still dwelling on this influx of emotions. I've had this time to realize though that he may have done me a favor. Blinded by love, I didn't realize how much more I put into the relationship than he did. Financially, physically, emotionally. I made myself available to him whenever he needed me and supported him whenever he needed me to. I honestly gave him all of me to receive only little parts of him. Still, although I know all this, I still have a hard time accepting that he's no longer my boyfriend. He still calls me to talk to me but that only shows that he wants me but not the obligation of me. It's not fair at all.

What I hate the most is that while I sit here with my heart cracked open, he is getting the freedom he wants. I hate that I don't know where he is or what he is doing. I hate that I've cried every day this week while he hasn't shed a tear. I hate that he has forgotten everything we've been through together. I hate that I still want to talk to him and see him. I hate how I know I deserve better yet I still want him. I hate feeling pathetic. But perhaps, most of all, I hate that I'm still so in love with him.

FIRST BLOG

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 08:17:00 GMT

Hello everyone, well actually, I don't even know if anyone is going to read this but here goes.

So I'm working on my philosophy paper (dreadful dreadful) and I start thinking about my old Xanga. I go back to look at it and I actually stumble upon Ms. Penguin's page. She talked about whether blogging about a relationship might ruin it or not which completely drew me in. My friends always talk about their relationships and talk down on their boyfriends publicly on their own websites. I mean, if that's not asking for trouble, I don't know what is.

What is so cool about Datingish is the fact that you can keep it confidential and still be able to talk freely about your relationship. However, do you think in the end it is morally wrong anyway since you are kinda talking about them behind their back? I mean, it's not the fact of whether they find out or not, it's kinda the principle of talking about them. Oh I'm just not sure! But whatever I guess. As long as you're not hurting anyone or embarrassing anyone publicly I suppose.

In a way I feel that we are all each other's inner thoughts collected in this web of feelings. It's beautiful guys :).

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 08:07:27 GMT

Hi everyone! I'm just getting started on Datingish... Drop me a comment if you've got some ideas on what to do first - or just to say, "Hi!"