It's funny how once your heart breaks, all the break up songs make sense.
Yesterday one of my good friends called me with news from my ex. She had bumped into him and asked him how he was holding up. Hoping he would express some sense of hurt even remotely close to mine, I broke down when she told me he was "doing pretty good actually." So while I knew he wasn't feeling as terrible as I have been feeling and crying for the past week, I really didn't think he'd be better off without me. After I got off the phone with my friend, I just completely crashed.
Tears slithered down my cheeks as I repressed screams of anguish and frustration. I ripped up our pictures gripping at the fading memories and furiously throwing them away. At that moment, I was done. Done with all the bullshit. I didn't want to wait for him to end this break anymore. I was going to do it because in the end the only person that will be in regret is him not me. Since I was almost late to class, I quickly gathered composure, put on my mascara, brushed my hair and left.
That afternoon Lisa See bestselling author of Peony in Love and Snowflower and the Secret Fan came and talked to us about her novel. Though I only skimmed her novel, I was mesmerized by her take on love and relationships. She told us that love was just an emotion and like all emotions it comes back every now and then. She also talked about first loves. My ex-boyfriend was my first love. He was my everything... as cheesy as that may sound. She said that with first loves, that feeling only comes once. It never repeats itself. That feeling of helpless infatuation and passionate emotions--it only comes once. As you get older, love becomes more sophisticated.
Instead of being so angry with him, I realized that the time we had together was beautiful and innocent love. It was both our first relationships and I guess now is the time for us to move on. I personally didn't know it was time but I'm guessing this week has been such a wake-up call. I know it will be awhile until I am completely over him but the first step is accepting that what we had is no longer here. There is no point in hating him, in hating what he did to me, or even in hating that I still love him. I do still love him and I probably will always love in a very special way. He has taught me a lot about myself and has been there for me throughout the toughest times of my life.
We have both always believed in fate so if we were really meant to be, we will somehow get together in the future again. It's not necessarily what I'm aiming for though. I really think it's time for me to move on and grow up. I'm breaking up with him tomorrow.
P.S. Britney's new CD is PHENOMENAL!
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