I first started this blog, I wanted to use it as an avenue to talk about how fantastic I thought relationships were and how truly happy I was with my boyfriend. I wanted to write about how perfect our relationship was, how lucky I was, and why I felt so complete. Well, it's been about a month now and my life has leaped from overwhelming happiness to dull pain.
A week ago, my boyfriend or rather ex-boyfriend now told me that he was too committed to me and wasn't ready to be so committed. He felt like he was losing himself and he was just incapable of giving me the same amount of love that I gave him. Spending an hour and a half outside the library, in the cold, crying, I tried understanding where he was coming from. After much deliberation, I suggested we take a break instead of just breaking up. Almost immediately he said, "Oh a break, yeah I'll try that." He told me that he was thankful for everything I've done for him and everything I've given him. He told me that he loved me but he just needed to patch things up with himself. I knew then that we would never really get back together. I really couldn't believe it was happening at the time and I still can't believe it. We were the perfect couple I thought. We understood each other, were each other's best friends. We never fought because we always worked it out. I just didn't understand.
It's been a week now and I'm still dwelling on this influx of emotions. I've had this time to realize though that he may have done me a favor. Blinded by love, I didn't realize how much more I put into the relationship than he did. Financially, physically, emotionally. I made myself available to him whenever he needed me and supported him whenever he needed me to. I honestly gave him all of me to receive only little parts of him. Still, although I know all this, I still have a hard time accepting that he's no longer my boyfriend. He still calls me to talk to me but that only shows that he wants me but not the obligation of me. It's not fair at all.
What I hate the most is that while I sit here with my heart cracked open, he is getting the freedom he wants. I hate that I don't know where he is or what he is doing. I hate that I've cried every day this week while he hasn't shed a tear. I hate that he has forgotten everything we've been through together. I hate that I still want to talk to him and see him. I hate how I know I deserve better yet I still want him. I hate feeling pathetic. But perhaps, most of all, I hate that I'm still so in love with him.
Comments (3)
Hang in there. Things start to become bearable after a while.. I know that's no consolation.
Yeah, mine's been about a month-ish and it's still pretty unbearable.
I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through that.
I'm getting tears in my eyes just reading this....you put things into perspective very well....and for you to realize as quickly as you did that you were the one making all the effort is amazing....because it took me a lot longer to do that with my ex fiance....I know you probably don't wanna hear this now....but youre gonna be okay.....things will get better......